The Central Missouri Foster Care & Adoption Association

Every Child Deserves a Forever Family

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Tag: Mental Health

The uncomfortable “unknowns” of caregiving

Being a foster, adoptive, kinship, or guardianship caregiver means you are all too familiar with the uncomfortable feeling of the “unknowns” in parenting. Your life can change in an evening when you take on new kiddos. The plan for the case can change in an instant. And, waiting for a final adoption hearing can take what feels like decades. The caseworkers can’t ever give you a definite answer, mostly because they aren’t sure either and because nothing is ever promised. When you are a planner, or your kiddos are craving permanency, it can be so hard to be stuck in that “unknown” with them. 

Not knowing can be scary

As a person with anxiety, I am someone who loves being in control of the situations around me. I’m also one of those people who would totally read the book on what the rest of my life is going to look like if that was a thing. In other words, I understand how hard it can be to not know what is coming next. It can be nerve wracking to not have a plan or a black-and-white flow chart to follow with all possible outcomes already laid out. 

As a caregiver, there is so much that you cannot control. There are so many decisions that you might not even get to be a part of. The only thing promised is the moment you are currently in. Until you reach the end of a case, there is no certainty of what is going to happen. And, even then, reunification can mean coping with the joy but also the grief when kiddos are reunited with their birth parents. Or, adoption can mean the joy of kiddo being yours forever, but also seeing the hurt of them knowing they are never going “home.” 

A caregiver with questions

And, as the children grow and things change, what questions will they have about their birth family? What if they want to seek them out some day? Will they see all of the love and hard work and dedication we have given to them to help them be their best selves? Will the kiddos remember us after returning home to their mom and dad? How can I be sure that they continue to feel our love?  

All of your concerns and worries and fears are so incredibly valid. You wouldn’t worry about the future of the kids in your care if you didn’t truly and fully care for their wellbeing. Loving them is such an easy thing to do, but the idea of letting them go…incredibly hard, even if it is the best thing for them. Or, wanting to get your hopes up that they might be yours forever, but still having four months until the court date to determine if that is really the case.  

Coping with the “unknowns”

So, I want to share with you some things that you can do to help yourself while in this gray area, this teeter-totter of caregiving, and this big and scary “unknown.” 

Take a deep breath.

Like, right now. Stop what you are doing. Put both feet on the ground, unclench your jaw, and sit still. Breathe in through your nose and count 1…2…3…4. Hold it. Breathe out through your mouth like you’re blowing bubbles…1…2…3…4. Lower your shoulders just a bit. Repeat this a few times, then say to yourself, “I can do this.” Because you can, and you will.  

Step outside of yourself for a minute.

Think about the case. Think about the children. What is best for them? Remind yourself why you became a caregiver in the first place. Consider all of your kiddo’s hopes and dreams and how you can best support them. Look at the case from a different perspective, keeping the child in the center.  

Know that you are not alone.

Talk to someone. Find another caregiver to talk to. Likely, they’ve experienced similar feelings before. Join a Facebook group, hop on a Zoom call with us, or come to an in-person support group. Talk to another parent at a respite event, or maybe even a therapist. There is no shame in talking about your worries and fears for your kiddos. Holding it all in isn’t helpful. 

Smile. Big.

Say to yourself, “I am doing the best that I can, and that is enough.” Say it again if you have to.

CMFCAA’s Advocacy Team is here for you.

Again, we know that being a foster, adoptive, kinship, or guardianship caregiver can be so exciting and rewarding, and that it also comes with many questions and challenges. Our goal is to help walk your journey with you and help answer some of those questions you may have. We are here for you to be that extra support, to lift burdens, and to help you navigate it all. Being a caregiver is hard work. We want you to know that we see you and we are here for you. Visit our Advocacy page for more information about us.

Reagan Sullivan, the Mental Health Advocate for CMFCAA's Advocacy program can help you figure out how to navigate your child's panic attack. Email her at reagan@mofosteradopt.com or 573.469.8173

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Filed Under: Mental Health Corner Tagged With: advocacy, Mental Health, support group

Radical Acceptance: C’est La Vie

C’est la vie is a French saying that means “That’s life.” It is a phrase of acceptance or tolerance for things being the way they are. In other words, radical acceptance.

Accepting this weather

Lately, this winter weather has been less than favorable. I mean, really – it has been rainy, cold, gloomy and grey, and the sun has been setting way before many of us are even home to enjoy the evening.

Now, we can look at this and say “I hate winter. It isn’t fair that I live in Missouri where the weather is everchanging.” “Why does it have to be winter?” or maybe “I refuse to accept this weather. In my head, I’m on a beach in Mexico getting tan.” But, what good is this thinking serving us? How is it helping us to deal with the winter weather?

What if, instead, we said, “It is cold outside, and that sucks.” Or “I don’t like this weather. I understand that it is just another season, it is necessary, and it will pass.” Here, we chose to accept that winter is a thing (a wild thing here in Missouri) and that we cannot do anything about it. We didn’t agree to like winter, but we fully acknowledged it for what it is.

You don’t have to like it.

I’m not saying that you have to like winter, go play in the snow, or give up your dream of being on a beach in Mexico sometime soon. I’m just asking you to consider accepting the weather for what it is. Winter is a season, a part of our environment and ecosystem, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

We could keep fighting it or denying it or ignoring it, but what good is that? I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather say, “Yup, it is cold outside” and put on a coat to keep warm rather than refusing to accept the temperature and wearing shorts outside instead. Accepting the weather and preparing for it sounds much better than trying to force my idea of reality (such as dreaming of sunny and 75) onto something I cannot change.

Radical Acceptance: It’s a good thing

What I am getting at here is that there is this concept known as radical acceptance. It is a distress tolerance skill that is a part of DBT, or dialectical behavior therapy. It is meant to help people deal with intense emotions in a more productive, purposeful, and meaningful way.

Basically, what radical acceptance says is that we can work to totally and thoroughly accept the reality of life’s situations for what they are or what they mean (in a sense that we cannot control the world around us). Again, it isn’t to say that we have to like or approve of what is happening or has happened, but just that we are choosing to accept that it did happen or that life really is this way right now, and to not sit or get stuck in unhappy thoughts. That fighting the reality of a situation just takes up more energy, is exhausting, and doesn’t change what happened.

It means that we stay conscious of how we interpret information and that we don’t use up our energy on things we simply cannot control. Basically, that we start off with the thought of “It is what it is” or “c’est la vie.”

Accepting your reality

Once we can accept reality for what it is, we can truly start to work toward changing our lives for the better. Just like how we can look at the weather, accept that it is cold, and put on a coat, we can look at our mental health, for example, and say, “Yeah, I am struggling,” and then choose to get help. We can’t move forward in life if we are stuck in the anger, denial, and suffering. It allows us to shift our focus to the things we can control and make meaningful differences in our own lives.

We cannot change the past, and we cannot ignore it to make it go away. But we can choose to accept it, move forward with that information (maybe even take time to process it first), and have a new perspective toward the present and future. Practicing radical acceptance can help you to stop unhelpful thoughts and to free yourself of some of the awful feelings of “should’ve” “would’ve” “could’ve.”

I know this isn’t an easy concept to take on, but it is doable. With practice, intention, and mindfulness, we can work to reframe our thinking. And, start to move on without staying stuck in the intense emotions of things we cannot control. Life can be incredibly difficult sometimes. And, when bad things happen, those feelings are intense. I know. And I’m not saying to ignore or downplay your reality. I challenge you to accept it for what it is and utilize your energy in a way that helps you to move forward. You can do this. I believe in you.

CMFCAA’s Advocacy Team is here for you.

We know that sometimes things are too much to handle or just accept. Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, you need need some help. We are here for you to be that extra support, to lift burdens, and to help you navigate it all. Being a foster/adoptive/kinship caregiver is hard work. We want you to know that we see you and we are here for you. Visit our Advocacy page for more information about us.

Reagan Sullivan, the Mental Health Advocate for CMFCAA's Advocacy program can help you figure out how to navigate your child's panic attack. Email her at reagan@mofosteradopt.com or 573.469.8173

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Filed Under: Mental Health Corner Tagged With: Mental Health

Therapy is for everyone

I have to be honest with you all, I used to hate the idea of therapy. The idea of having to admit to someone else that I can’t do it all myself sounded AWFUL. The thought of digging up all of the emotions I had been working so hard to suppress or ignore seemed too difficult and truly like a terrible time. Plus, spending time and money on myself when there were plenty of other things to get done just felt selfish.  

And, my life has never been THAT bad. I didn’t think that my problems were ever “severe” enough to need therapy. Seeing a therapist, in my head, was reserved for those with serious mental illnesses, individuals with very traumatic experiences, or people trying not to go “crazy.” All I knew for sure was that it definitely wasn’t for me. Besides, those therapists didn’t have time for my silly little problems and what could they even offer me that I couldn’t do for myself?  

But, then I experienced therapy. I went because I realized that my issues were becoming too much to process on my own and knew it was time to seek help. But looking back, I wish I would’ve had the knowledge, confidence, and courage to seek help sooner. I realized that therapy truly is for everyone and that I didn’t have to have the world’s biggest problems to be worthy of going. Therapy was an incredibly empowering, validating, and educational experience. It was not belittling, it didn’t make me feel like “a crazy person,” and I didn’t feel weak. I actually finished therapy feeling quite the opposite.  

How does therapy actually feel? 

Talking to someone about my life challenges, no matter how big or small, allowed me the space to say what I was truly thinking without judgement or repercussion. Unlike talking to a family member or friend, a therapist will hear you out before they speak. They will let you sit in silence while you think through and explore your thoughts. Therapists don’t offer their opinion or tell you what you “should do”. 

Going to therapy also granted me the ability to get over some difficult events or thoughts, and I was able to better myself because of it. I took control of my life and my emotions and I actually felt stronger than I had ever felt before. I learned how to shake some things off, how to process what I couldn’t shake, and how to move forward from it without it weighing on me. My perspective on getting help for my mental health really started to change. 

Therapy used to seem like this big doomy thing that you only did once you had given up. And who wants to give up? Who wants to be seen as a quitter? But then after my first couple of sessions and feeling so incredibly validated and encouraged, I kind of stopped caring what society said, what the stigma might say, and what other people thought of me. Somehow, it was like I was finally able to focus on myself and my needs and truly put myself first. And, I had the permission to do so.  

What does therapy look like? 

When you go to therapy, you typically first start with an intake session. This is where the therapist works to gather information about you and context on your situation. Then, they create a game plan on how to move forward with a treatment plan and goals. It is a chance to establish a relationship before diving in. Then, you go back for another session and you get to say what you are comfortable opening up with. The therapist might guide you a bit by asking some questions about what you would like to talk about during the sessions or what you would like to gain from therapy. You get to choose and set the boundaries. And then, you talk.  

But, not talking like when you call your best friend on the phone and rant for an hour, or when your mom comes over and you sit on the couch and talk about the kids for a while. Talking with a therapist is a chance for self-reflection, an opportunity to reach your own conclusion. Therapy serves as a way to navigate your feelings and situations without worrying that what you say will hurt someone’s feelings or add further weight to them. And, to really get the most out of this, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself. Like, more honest than you have ever been in your life. This alone can be incredibly difficult. 

Why would I actually go to therapy?  

Therapists are also totally outside of the situation, so they are able to see things in a different way than you can or do. This can help you to gain a different perspective and consider things you previously hadn’t. I’m not saying that the therapist knows better or that they are smarter than you, because they aren’t. No one knows you like you know you. A therapist is simply someone to help you navigate. Kind of like you have your own map, but the therapist knows how to translate it in a way you can better understand.  

Therapy can be a form of self-care. Again, it is a chance to just focus on you in an unbiased, safe setting. You can let out all of your worries, frustrations, and emotions without being guilted or shamed. Doesn’t that sound refreshing? 

A lightbulb laying sideways, but lit up. Going to therapy can help spark new ideas and turn on the "lightbulb" in your mind. It is okay to ask for help as a foster/adoptive/kinship caregiver.

You can learn skills that last a lifetime. Even going to just a couple of sessions can be enough to learn a new coping skill that you hadn’t ever considered, didn’t know how to use, or maybe you just weren’t sure how to implement into your own life.  

It can help your relationships. By spending time on yourself and working on growth and self-improvement, you create more space in your heart and mind to be there for those that matter most to you. Not to mention, by working to improve your own mood or reduce stress, it could spread the positivity and good vibes to those around you.  

CMFCAA’s Advocacy Team

Please remember, this is my own perspective. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same experience with therapy. Additionally, different techniques of therapy or styles used by therapists can make it feel less like a conversation.  If you have questions about what therapy could look like for you or your foster/adoptive/kinship kiddos, please reach out. We would love to talk with you more about what therapy can look like and how it can help you.

Reagan Sullivan, the Mental Health Advocate for CMFCAA's Advocacy program can help you figure out how to navigate your child's panic attack. Email her at reagan@mofosteradopt.com or 573.469.8173

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Filed Under: Mental Health Corner Tagged With: Mental Health

You Deserve Self-Care

When you get on a plane, they give you a rundown on safety measures. The main rule in an emergency is that you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone else. This is because if you don’t put on your own mask first, you will pass out trying to get to the other person you are trying to help, making you unable to help yourself or be of any benefit to others either. I love this, because while every day is not an emergency, I think the concept here still applies.  We need to care for ourselves before trying to help others. We can’t give our energy and focus away to our partners, our kids, our coworkers, or the lady at the grocery store if we haven’t taken care of ourselves first. 

Put Yourself First  

We all need self-care, just like we need oxygen and food (or maybe your morning coffee). Without self-care, our body and mind just keep going and going and going… until we can’t go any further with no desire to get up and try again. That’s called burnout. If we spend everything we have on other people, then we aren’t able to spend any time or energy on our own body and mind. This means we never get a chance to replenish that energy or motivation. We just burn out.   

A letterboard that states "Self-care isn't selfish". This is a good reminder that you deserve self-care and that it helps you to have more capacity to help your foster/adoptive/kinship children.

Self-care is all about loving yourself and honoring what your body and mind need to work their very best. So, while I know you are putting your energy into your kids and your family, you have to make time for you too. By setting boundaries, creating space for you to process your own emotions or maybe turning your brain off for a second, you can help yourself reset and be ready for the next thing.  

Again, we all need self-care all the time. So, we have to find little ways to continuously care for ourselves so that we can continuously care for others. We have to do things that release good chemicals in brains to help us truly feel better and give us the energy we need to be able to show up to work and be our best selves. The good news is that self-care doesn’t have to cost money or take up a large chunk of your day. Self-care is totally doable and is something we can all always get better at!  

Self-Care Ideas 

Take breaks 

Your brain needs a break from time to time. We aren’t robots, and we aren’t meant to constantly be doing things. Taking a break allows you a chance to breathe, reset, and get back to work with a fresh mindset. Stand up and stretch, go outside for a few minutes and enjoy the sunshine, ask a coworker about their day, or sit and meditate or practice mindfulness for a few. These little breaks can go a long way in helping you feel better about your day. Breaks don’t have to be long. Time is truly relative, so even setting a timer for 30 seconds in the bathroom to just close your eyes and breathe can feel like a sufficient break.  

Gratitude 

Changing our perspectives can really make a difference in our self-care and overall stress levels.  It can even help you sleep better and combat depression. While some days are incredibly difficult to find something to be thankful for, challenging ourselves to find even one thing can make a big difference. Try reflecting on something you are grateful for while waiting on your computer to load or while your morning coffee brews. Make a list of three good things that happened during the day before you go to bed. Exchange thoughts with your kids or your partner and encourage them to think of their own list as well. You could also post what you are grateful for on Facebook, and encourage your friends to join in on the idea, creating a ripple effect. 

Exercise 

A person walking their dog on the sidewalk. Light exercise is good for the brain and helps to reduce stress. Overall, a walk is a good way to practice self-care as a foster/adoptive/kinship caregiver.

Getting up and moving your body can help increase your energy levels, release good chemicals that make you happier and more motivated, and can help release tension and stress you are holding in your body. Going to the gym or a morning run is not always doable, and sometimes is just completely unrealistic. Exercise doesn’t have to be hardcore to count. Something as simple as a walk around the block, parking at the back of the parking lot when you go to the store, or dancing with your kids in the kitchen can help increase blood flow, which increases brain functioning capacity.  

Socialize 

Having friends, hobbies, and just any plans outside of your parenting duties can help you have a better balance in life. Humans are hardwired to seek out a sense of belonging and togetherness. We are social creatures and need others to help us thrive. It truly helps us feel less stressed when we can connect with others and maybe even be distracted from everything else for a little while. Socializing is important to our physical and emotional health, and can look like grabbing lunch with a co-worker on lunch break, going grocery shopping with your friend on a Saturday, or getting your families together for dinner one night a week.  

Boundaries 

Set boundaries for yourself and allow yourself to say no to things. I know some things just have to happen and some responsibilities can’t be negotiated. In our world, notifications on our phones are constant. I think sometimes we forget that we don’t HAVE to respond right away. Emails can wait, a phone call can be returned, and plans can be rescheduled. You are allowed to take time for yourself and just take a step back. A kiddo I used to work with had the BEST boundaries when he didn’t want to do something or wasn’t quite ready for it. He would always respond by saying, “Not today, maybe tomorrow.” Simple, direct, and definite. If you can’t do it today, then okay. It can be done tomorrow, if you are ready for it then.

Consider therapy for yourself 

I know time is limited, but carving out that space to work on your own emotions and dedicating time to process any traumas or tough events in life can truly help. Therapy is also a fantastic way to learn new skills to help with your own emotional regulation. It can also help with coping strategies and communication with your spouse, kids, and those around you. Therapy can be empowering and educational on so many levels.  Support groups with other foster/adoptive/kinship caregivers can also be beneficial.

CMFCAA’s Advocacy Team is here for you.

We know that sometimes things are too much to handle. Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put towards self-care, it just isn’t enough. We are here for you to be that extra support, to lift burdens, and to help you navigate it all. Being a foster/adoptive/kinship caregiver is hard work. We want you to know that we see you and we are here for you. Contact us at anytime if you feel you could use some extra support.

Reagan Sullivan, the Mental Health Advocate for CMFCAA's Advocacy program can help you figure out how to navigate your child's panic attack. Email her at reagan@mofosteradopt.com or 573.469.8173

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Filed Under: Mental Health Corner Tagged With: Mental Health

Tips for Helping Your Child Through A Panic Attack

Your child or teen comes to you breathing heavily, crying, struggling to breathe, and likely extremely upset or overwhelmed about something. They can’t get it under control and they need help. Their panic attack or anxiety attack is taking over and leading to exhaustion and Maybe you’ve been there too before, or maybe you haven’t. Either way, it can be hard to truly help someone else effectively calm down. So, what can you do that helps?  

A female with her hands in her hair, head bent forward and eyes squeezed shut. Anxiety and panic attacks are difficult and exhausting.

Each child is unique in their needs, in what works, and in how they prefer to handle things. Ask your child if they know what helps them most before a panic attack or the moment of intense anxiety even arises. Find out if they are a kid who likes hugs or if they prefer not to have anyone in their bubble. Figure out where their “happy place” is, or what their favorite things are (this can be a good distraction tactic for later).  

Supporting your child’s mental health can be challenging. In general, however, there a few coping skills you can utilize to help calm your child during a panic attack or anxiety attack to help them feel more safe and secure.

Coping Skills to Help Your Child Calm Down From A Panic Attack

The 5-4-3-2-1 method 

This one is an all-time favorite of mine. Gently and slowly, help your child to ground themselves by coming back to the present and focusing on what is right in front of them at this very moment. Ask them to discover the following: 

Five things you can see. 

Four things you can touch. 

Three things you can hear. 

Two things you can smell. 

One thing you can taste. 

You can change up the order depending on your surroundings at the time and what might work best, or you can eliminate some of the senses if that works too. The point is to just get your child to utilize their senses to recognize that their immediate safety is not in danger, that they are safe, and that it is okay to calm down.  

Offer deep pressure 

Now, this one depends on your child and their experiences with this. Talk to your child about this before trying it. Something as simple as a good tight hug can work well for this.

A mom hugging her child in her arms. Holding your child close and providing some pressure to wrap them up can help with a panic attack.

The goal is for your child’s brain to send signals to the body that they are safe and protected, and deep pressure such as a tight hug, heavy or weighted blanket, or a dog sitting on their lap can all help send this message to the brain. Think about tiny humans and how they want to be held frequently and tend to calm down once swaddled. 

Offer a distraction  

Talk to your child about something that they love or something that will make them laugh. Their brain is swirling with negative thoughts right now and feelings of panic and dread. Help interrupt that vicious cycle by putting different thoughts in your child’s head about something totally unrelated. If you’ve got some great dad jokes, this could be a great time to bust them out. Or, if you know they’d love to tell you more about how Hulk is the best superhero, invite that conversation now. 

Take a walk 

Child and parent standing on a bridge leaning on the railing looking at the waves. A walk with your child can help to calm them down from anxiety or a panic attack.

Movement is incredibly good for the body and brain for so many reasons. Taking a walk while they are feeling panicky can help release chemicals in the brain such as dopamine and endorphins, which literally help you feel better. The fresh air can help to cool off, and a change in scenery can help your child reset.  

Ask if they want to talk about their anxiety or panic attack

Sometimes people want to process what is making them panic, and some don’t want to talk about it at all. Try not to assume, and instead ask them. See if they want to just vent or if they want solutions if age-appropriate. Give them the opportunity to control the conversation by determining where the conversation goes.  

Anxiety and feelings of panic are exhausting feelings and truly wear out the brain and body. Remind your child that they are safe and that they are okay. And, remind yourself the same. You and your kiddo are in this together. You can do this! 

CMFCAA’s Advocacy Team

Navigating your child’s mental and behavioral health can be difficult. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, or maybe join a support group to talk with others experiencing similar situations.

Reagan Sullivan, the Mental Health Advocate for CMFCAA's Advocacy program can help you figure out how to navigate your child's panic attack. Email her at reagan@mofosteradopt.com or 573.469.8173

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Filed Under: Mental Health Corner Tagged With: Mental Health

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