Author: Ben Rieke

C’est la vie is a French saying that means “That’s life.” It is a phrase of acceptance or tolerance for things being the way they are. In other words, radical acceptance.

Accepting this weather

Lately, this winter weather has been less than favorable. I mean, really – it has been rainy, cold, gloomy and grey, and the sun has been setting way before many of us are even home to enjoy the evening.

Now, we can look at this and say “I hate winter. It isn’t fair that I live in Missouri where the weather is everchanging.” “Why does it have to be winter?” or maybe “I refuse to accept this weather. In my head, I’m on a beach in Mexico getting tan.” But, what good is this thinking serving us? How is it helping us to deal with the winter weather?

What if, instead, we said, “It is cold outside, and that sucks.” Or “I don’t like this weather. I understand that it is just another season, it is necessary, and it will pass.” Here, we chose to accept that winter is a thing (a wild thing here in Missouri) and that we cannot do anything about it. We didn’t agree to like winter, but we fully acknowledged it for what it is.

You don’t have to like it.

I’m not saying that you have to like winter, go play in the snow, or give up your dream of being on a beach in Mexico sometime soon. I’m just asking you to consider accepting the weather for what it is. Winter is a season, a part of our environment and ecosystem, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

We could keep fighting it or denying it or ignoring it, but what good is that? I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather say, “Yup, it is cold outside” and put on a coat to keep warm rather than refusing to accept the temperature and wearing shorts outside instead. Accepting the weather and preparing for it sounds much better than trying to force my idea of reality (such as dreaming of sunny and 75) onto something I cannot change.

Radical Acceptance: It’s a good thing

What I am getting at here is that there is this concept known as radical acceptance. It is a distress tolerance skill that is a part of DBT, or dialectical behavior therapy. It is meant to help people deal with intense emotions in a more productive, purposeful, and meaningful way.

Basically, what radical acceptance says is that we can work to totally and thoroughly accept the reality of life’s situations for what they are or what they mean (in a sense that we cannot control the world around us). Again, it isn’t to say that we have to like or approve of what is happening or has happened, but just that we are choosing to accept that it did happen or that life really is this way right now, and to not sit or get stuck in unhappy thoughts. That fighting the reality of a situation just takes up more energy, is exhausting, and doesn’t change what happened.

It means that we stay conscious of how we interpret information and that we don’t use up our energy on things we simply cannot control. Basically, that we start off with the thought of “It is what it is” or “c’est la vie.”

Accepting your reality

Once we can accept reality for what it is, we can truly start to work toward changing our lives for the better. Just like how we can look at the weather, accept that it is cold, and put on a coat, we can look at our mental health, for example, and say, “Yeah, I am struggling,” and then choose to get help. We can’t move forward in life if we are stuck in the anger, denial, and suffering. It allows us to shift our focus to the things we can control and make meaningful differences in our own lives.

We cannot change the past, and we cannot ignore it to make it go away. But we can choose to accept it, move forward with that information (maybe even take time to process it first), and have a new perspective toward the present and future. Practicing radical acceptance can help you to stop unhelpful thoughts and to free yourself of some of the awful feelings of “should’ve” “would’ve” “could’ve.”

I know this isn’t an easy concept to take on, but it is doable. With practice, intention, and mindfulness, we can work to reframe our thinking. And, start to move on without staying stuck in the intense emotions of things we cannot control. Life can be incredibly difficult sometimes. And, when bad things happen, those feelings are intense. I know. And I’m not saying to ignore or downplay your reality. I challenge you to accept it for what it is and utilize your energy in a way that helps you to move forward. You can do this. I believe in you.

CMFCAA’s Advocacy Team is here for you.

We know that sometimes things are too much to handle or just accept. Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, you need need some help. We are here for you to be that extra support, to lift burdens, and to help you navigate it all. Being a foster/adoptive/kinship caregiver is hard work. We want you to know that we see you and we are here for you. Visit our Advocacy page for more information about us.

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

I have to be honest with you all, I used to hate the idea of therapy. The idea of having to admit to someone else that I can’t do it all myself sounded AWFUL. The thought of digging up all of the emotions I had been working so hard to suppress or ignore seemed too difficult and truly like a terrible time. Plus, spending time and money on myself when there were plenty of other things to get done just felt selfish.  

And, my life has never been THAT bad. I didn’t think that my problems were ever “severe” enough to need therapy. Seeing a therapist, in my head, was reserved for those with serious mental illnesses, individuals with very traumatic experiences, or people trying not to go “crazy.” All I knew for sure was that it definitely wasn’t for me. Besides, those therapists didn’t have time for my silly little problems and what could they even offer me that I couldn’t do for myself?  

But, then I experienced therapy. I went because I realized that my issues were becoming too much to process on my own and knew it was time to seek help. But looking back, I wish I would’ve had the knowledge, confidence, and courage to seek help sooner. I realized that therapy truly is for everyone and that I didn’t have to have the world’s biggest problems to be worthy of going. Therapy was an incredibly empowering, validating, and educational experience. It was not belittling, it didn’t make me feel like “a crazy person,” and I didn’t feel weak. I actually finished therapy feeling quite the opposite.  

Talking to someone about my life challenges, no matter how big or small, allowed me the space to say what I was truly thinking without judgement or repercussion. Unlike talking to a family member or friend, a therapist will hear you out before they speak. They will let you sit in silence while you think through and explore your thoughts. Therapists don’t offer their opinion or tell you what you “should do”. 

Going to therapy also granted me the ability to get over some difficult events or thoughts, and I was able to better myself because of it. I took control of my life and my emotions and I actually felt stronger than I had ever felt before. I learned how to shake some things off, how to process what I couldn’t shake, and how to move forward from it without it weighing on me. My perspective on getting help for my mental health really started to change. 

Therapy used to seem like this big doomy thing that you only did once you had given up. And who wants to give up? Who wants to be seen as a quitter? But then after my first couple of sessions and feeling so incredibly validated and encouraged, I kind of stopped caring what society said, what the stigma might say, and what other people thought of me. Somehow, it was like I was finally able to focus on myself and my needs and truly put myself first. And, I had the permission to do so.  

When you go to therapy, you typically first start with an intake session. This is where the therapist works to gather information about you and context on your situation. Then, they create a game plan on how to move forward with a treatment plan and goals. It is a chance to establish a relationship before diving in. Then, you go back for another session and you get to say what you are comfortable opening up with. The therapist might guide you a bit by asking some questions about what you would like to talk about during the sessions or what you would like to gain from therapy. You get to choose and set the boundaries. And then, you talk.  

But, not talking like when you call your best friend on the phone and rant for an hour, or when your mom comes over and you sit on the couch and talk about the kids for a while. Talking with a therapist is a chance for self-reflection, an opportunity to reach your own conclusion. Therapy serves as a way to navigate your feelings and situations without worrying that what you say will hurt someone’s feelings or add further weight to them. And, to really get the most out of this, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself. Like, more honest than you have ever been in your life. This alone can be incredibly difficult. 

Therapists are also totally outside of the situation, so they are able to see things in a different way than you can or do. This can help you to gain a different perspective and consider things you previously hadn’t. I’m not saying that the therapist knows better or that they are smarter than you, because they aren’t. No one knows you like you know you. A therapist is simply someone to help you navigate. Kind of like you have your own map, but the therapist knows how to translate it in a way you can better understand.  

Therapy can be a form of self-care. Again, it is a chance to just focus on you in an unbiased, safe setting. You can let out all of your worries, frustrations, and emotions without being guilted or shamed. Doesn’t that sound refreshing? 

You can learn skills that last a lifetime. Even going to just a couple of sessions can be enough to learn a new coping skill that you hadn’t ever considered, didn’t know how to use, or maybe you just weren’t sure how to implement into your own life.  

It can help your relationships. By spending time on yourself and working on growth and self-improvement, you create more space in your heart and mind to be there for those that matter most to you. Not to mention, by working to improve your own mood or reduce stress, it could spread the positivity and good vibes to those around you.  

Please remember, this is my own perspective. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same experience with therapy. Additionally, different techniques of therapy or styles used by therapists can make it feel less like a conversation.  If you have questions about what therapy could look like for you or your foster/adoptive/kinship kiddos, please reach out. We would love to talk with you more about what therapy can look like and how it can help you.

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**