Category: Mental Health Corner

Radical Acceptance: C’est La Vie

C’est la vie is a French saying that means “That’s life.” It is a phrase of acceptance or tolerance for things being the way they are. In other words, radical acceptance.

Accepting this weather

Lately, this winter weather has been less than favorable. I mean, really – it has been rainy, cold, gloomy and grey, and the sun has been setting way before many of us are even home to enjoy the evening.

Now, we can look at this and say “I hate winter. It isn’t fair that I live in Missouri where the weather is everchanging.” “Why does it have to be winter?” or maybe “I refuse to accept this weather. In my head, I’m on a beach in Mexico getting tan.” But, what good is this thinking serving us? How is it helping us to deal with the winter weather?

What if, instead, we said, “It is cold outside, and that sucks.” Or “I don’t like this weather. I understand that it is just another season, it is necessary, and it will pass.” Here, we chose to accept that winter is a thing (a wild thing here in Missouri) and that we cannot do anything about it. We didn’t agree to like winter, but we fully acknowledged it for what it is.

You don’t have to like it.

I’m not saying that you have to like winter, go play in the snow, or give up your dream of being on a beach in Mexico sometime soon. I’m just asking you to consider accepting the weather for what it is. Winter is a season, a part of our environment and ecosystem, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

We could keep fighting it or denying it or ignoring it, but what good is that? I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather say, “Yup, it is cold outside” and put on a coat to keep warm rather than refusing to accept the temperature and wearing shorts outside instead. Accepting the weather and preparing for it sounds much better than trying to force my idea of reality (such as dreaming of sunny and 75) onto something I cannot change.

Radical Acceptance: It’s a good thing

What I am getting at here is that there is this concept known as radical acceptance. It is a distress tolerance skill that is a part of DBT, or dialectical behavior therapy. It is meant to help people deal with intense emotions in a more productive, purposeful, and meaningful way.

Basically, what radical acceptance says is that we can work to totally and thoroughly accept the reality of life’s situations for what they are or what they mean (in a sense that we cannot control the world around us). Again, it isn’t to say that we have to like or approve of what is happening or has happened, but just that we are choosing to accept that it did happen or that life really is this way right now, and to not sit or get stuck in unhappy thoughts. That fighting the reality of a situation just takes up more energy, is exhausting, and doesn’t change what happened.

It means that we stay conscious of how we interpret information and that we don’t use up our energy on things we simply cannot control. Basically, that we start off with the thought of “It is what it is” or “c’est la vie.”

Accepting your reality

Once we can accept reality for what it is, we can truly start to work toward changing our lives for the better. Just like how we can look at the weather, accept that it is cold, and put on a coat, we can look at our mental health, for example, and say, “Yeah, I am struggling,” and then choose to get help. We can’t move forward in life if we are stuck in the anger, denial, and suffering. It allows us to shift our focus to the things we can control and make meaningful differences in our own lives.

We cannot change the past, and we cannot ignore it to make it go away. But we can choose to accept it, move forward with that information (maybe even take time to process it first), and have a new perspective toward the present and future. Practicing radical acceptance can help you to stop unhelpful thoughts and to free yourself of some of the awful feelings of “should’ve” “would’ve” “could’ve.”

I know this isn’t an easy concept to take on, but it is doable. With practice, intention, and mindfulness, we can work to reframe our thinking. And, start to move on without staying stuck in the intense emotions of things we cannot control. Life can be incredibly difficult sometimes. And, when bad things happen, those feelings are intense. I know. And I’m not saying to ignore or downplay your reality. I challenge you to accept it for what it is and utilize your energy in a way that helps you to move forward. You can do this. I believe in you.

CMFCAA’s Advocacy Team is here for you.

We know that sometimes things are too much to handle or just accept. Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, you need need some help. We are here for you to be that extra support, to lift burdens, and to help you navigate it all. Being a foster/adoptive/kinship caregiver is hard work. We want you to know that we see you and we are here for you. Visit our Advocacy page for more information about us.

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Therapy is for everyone

I have to be honest with you all, I used to hate the idea of therapy. The idea of having to admit to someone else that I can’t do it all myself sounded AWFUL. The thought of digging up all of the emotions I had been working so hard to suppress or ignore seemed too difficult and truly like a terrible time. Plus, spending time and money on myself when there were plenty of other things to get done just felt selfish.  

And, my life has never been THAT bad. I didn’t think that my problems were ever “severe” enough to need therapy. Seeing a therapist, in my head, was reserved for those with serious mental illnesses, individuals with very traumatic experiences, or people trying not to go “crazy.” All I knew for sure was that it definitely wasn’t for me. Besides, those therapists didn’t have time for my silly little problems and what could they even offer me that I couldn’t do for myself?  

But, then I experienced therapy. I went because I realized that my issues were becoming too much to process on my own and knew it was time to seek help. But looking back, I wish I would’ve had the knowledge, confidence, and courage to seek help sooner. I realized that therapy truly is for everyone and that I didn’t have to have the world’s biggest problems to be worthy of going. Therapy was an incredibly empowering, validating, and educational experience. It was not belittling, it didn’t make me feel like “a crazy person,” and I didn’t feel weak. I actually finished therapy feeling quite the opposite.  

Talking to someone about my life challenges, no matter how big or small, allowed me the space to say what I was truly thinking without judgement or repercussion. Unlike talking to a family member or friend, a therapist will hear you out before they speak. They will let you sit in silence while you think through and explore your thoughts. Therapists don’t offer their opinion or tell you what you “should do”. 

Going to therapy also granted me the ability to get over some difficult events or thoughts, and I was able to better myself because of it. I took control of my life and my emotions and I actually felt stronger than I had ever felt before. I learned how to shake some things off, how to process what I couldn’t shake, and how to move forward from it without it weighing on me. My perspective on getting help for my mental health really started to change. 

Therapy used to seem like this big doomy thing that you only did once you had given up. And who wants to give up? Who wants to be seen as a quitter? But then after my first couple of sessions and feeling so incredibly validated and encouraged, I kind of stopped caring what society said, what the stigma might say, and what other people thought of me. Somehow, it was like I was finally able to focus on myself and my needs and truly put myself first. And, I had the permission to do so.  

When you go to therapy, you typically first start with an intake session. This is where the therapist works to gather information about you and context on your situation. Then, they create a game plan on how to move forward with a treatment plan and goals. It is a chance to establish a relationship before diving in. Then, you go back for another session and you get to say what you are comfortable opening up with. The therapist might guide you a bit by asking some questions about what you would like to talk about during the sessions or what you would like to gain from therapy. You get to choose and set the boundaries. And then, you talk.  

But, not talking like when you call your best friend on the phone and rant for an hour, or when your mom comes over and you sit on the couch and talk about the kids for a while. Talking with a therapist is a chance for self-reflection, an opportunity to reach your own conclusion. Therapy serves as a way to navigate your feelings and situations without worrying that what you say will hurt someone’s feelings or add further weight to them. And, to really get the most out of this, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself. Like, more honest than you have ever been in your life. This alone can be incredibly difficult. 

Therapists are also totally outside of the situation, so they are able to see things in a different way than you can or do. This can help you to gain a different perspective and consider things you previously hadn’t. I’m not saying that the therapist knows better or that they are smarter than you, because they aren’t. No one knows you like you know you. A therapist is simply someone to help you navigate. Kind of like you have your own map, but the therapist knows how to translate it in a way you can better understand.  

Therapy can be a form of self-care. Again, it is a chance to just focus on you in an unbiased, safe setting. You can let out all of your worries, frustrations, and emotions without being guilted or shamed. Doesn’t that sound refreshing? 

You can learn skills that last a lifetime. Even going to just a couple of sessions can be enough to learn a new coping skill that you hadn’t ever considered, didn’t know how to use, or maybe you just weren’t sure how to implement into your own life.  

It can help your relationships. By spending time on yourself and working on growth and self-improvement, you create more space in your heart and mind to be there for those that matter most to you. Not to mention, by working to improve your own mood or reduce stress, it could spread the positivity and good vibes to those around you.  

Please remember, this is my own perspective. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same experience with therapy. Additionally, different techniques of therapy or styles used by therapists can make it feel less like a conversation.  If you have questions about what therapy could look like for you or your foster/adoptive/kinship kiddos, please reach out. We would love to talk with you more about what therapy can look like and how it can help you.

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

You Deserve Self-Care

When you get on a plane, they give you a rundown on safety measures. The main rule in an emergency is that you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone else. This is because if you don’t put on your own mask first, you will pass out trying to get to the other person you are trying to help, making you unable to help yourself or be of any benefit to others either. I love this, because while every day is not an emergency, I think the concept here still applies.  We need to care for ourselves before trying to help others. We can’t give our energy and focus away to our partners, our kids, our coworkers, or the lady at the grocery store if we haven’t taken care of ourselves first. 

We all need self-care, just like we need oxygen and food (or maybe your morning coffee). Without self-care, our body and mind just keep going and going and going… until we can’t go any further with no desire to get up and try again. That’s called burnout. If we spend everything we have on other people, then we aren’t able to spend any time or energy on our own body and mind. This means we never get a chance to replenish that energy or motivation. We just burn out.   

Self-care is all about loving yourself and honoring what your body and mind need to work their very best. So, while I know you are putting your energy into your kids and your family, you have to make time for you too. By setting boundaries, creating space for you to process your own emotions or maybe turning your brain off for a second, you can help yourself reset and be ready for the next thing.  

Again, we all need self-care all the time. So, we have to find little ways to continuously care for ourselves so that we can continuously care for others. We have to do things that release good chemicals in brains to help us truly feel better and give us the energy we need to be able to show up to work and be our best selves. The good news is that self-care doesn’t have to cost money or take up a large chunk of your day. Self-care is totally doable and is something we can all always get better at!  

Take breaks 

Your brain needs a break from time to time. We aren’t robots, and we aren’t meant to constantly be doing things. Taking a break allows you a chance to breathe, reset, and get back to work with a fresh mindset. Stand up and stretch, go outside for a few minutes and enjoy the sunshine, ask a coworker about their day, or sit and meditate or practice mindfulness for a few. These little breaks can go a long way in helping you feel better about your day. Breaks don’t have to be long. Time is truly relative, so even setting a timer for 30 seconds in the bathroom to just close your eyes and breathe can feel like a sufficient break.  

Changing our perspectives can really make a difference in our self-care and overall stress levels.  It can even help you sleep better and combat depression. While some days are incredibly difficult to find something to be thankful for, challenging ourselves to find even one thing can make a big difference. Try reflecting on something you are grateful for while waiting on your computer to load or while your morning coffee brews. Make a list of three good things that happened during the day before you go to bed. Exchange thoughts with your kids or your partner and encourage them to think of their own list as well. You could also post what you are grateful for on Facebook, and encourage your friends to join in on the idea, creating a ripple effect. 

Getting up and moving your body can help increase your energy levels, release good chemicals that make you happier and more motivated, and can help release tension and stress you are holding in your body. Going to the gym or a morning run is not always doable, and sometimes is just completely unrealistic. Exercise doesn’t have to be hardcore to count. Something as simple as a walk around the block, parking at the back of the parking lot when you go to the store, or dancing with your kids in the kitchen can help increase blood flow, which increases brain functioning capacity.  

Having friends, hobbies, and just any plans outside of your parenting duties can help you have a better balance in life. Humans are hardwired to seek out a sense of belonging and togetherness. We are social creatures and need others to help us thrive. It truly helps us feel less stressed when we can connect with others and maybe even be distracted from everything else for a little while. Socializing is important to our physical and emotional health, and can look like grabbing lunch with a co-worker on lunch break, going grocery shopping with your friend on a Saturday, or getting your families together for dinner one night a week.  

Boundaries 

Set boundaries for yourself and allow yourself to say no to things. I know some things just have to happen and some responsibilities can’t be negotiated. In our world, notifications on our phones are constant. I think sometimes we forget that we don’t HAVE to respond right away. Emails can wait, a phone call can be returned, and plans can be rescheduled. You are allowed to take time for yourself and just take a step back. A kiddo I used to work with had the BEST boundaries when he didn’t want to do something or wasn’t quite ready for it. He would always respond by saying, “Not today, maybe tomorrow.” Simple, direct, and definite. If you can’t do it today, then okay. It can be done tomorrow, if you are ready for it then.

I know time is limited, but carving out that space to work on your own emotions and dedicating time to process any traumas or tough events in life can truly help. Therapy is also a fantastic way to learn new skills to help with your own emotional regulation. It can also help with coping strategies and communication with your spouse, kids, and those around you. Therapy can be empowering and educational on so many levels.  Support groups with other foster/adoptive/kinship caregivers can also be beneficial.

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Tips for Helping Your Child Through A Panic Attack

Your child or teen comes to you breathing heavily, crying, struggling to breathe, and likely extremely upset or overwhelmed about something. They can’t get it under control and they need help. Their panic attack or anxiety attack is taking over and leading to exhaustion and Maybe you’ve been there too before, or maybe you haven’t. Either way, it can be hard to help someone else effectively calm down truly. So, what can you do that helps?  

Each child is unique in their needs, in what works, and in how they prefer to handle things. Ask your child if they know what helps them most before a panic attack or the moment of intense anxiety even arises. Find out if they are a kid who likes hugs or if they prefer not to have anyone in their bubble. Figure out where their “happy place” is, or what their favorite things are (this can be a good distraction tactic for later).  

Supporting your child’s mental health can be challenging. In general, however, there a few coping skills you can utilize to help calm your child during a panic attack or anxiety attack to help them feel more safe and secure.

The 5-4-3-2-1 method 

This one is an all-time favorite of mine. Gently and slowly, help your child to ground themselves by coming back to the present and focusing on what is right in front of them at this very moment. Ask them to discover the following: 

Five things you can see. 

Four things you can touch. 

Three things you can hear. 

Two things you can smell. 

One thing you can taste. 

You can change up the order depending on your surroundings at the time and what might work best, or you can eliminate some of the senses if that works too. The point is to just get your child to utilize their senses to recognize that their immediate safety is not in danger, that they are safe, and that it is okay to calm down.  

Now, this one depends on your child and their experiences with this. Talk to your child about this before trying it. Something as simple as a good tight hug can work well for this.

The goal is for your child’s brain to send signals to the body that they are safe and protected, and deep pressure such as a tight hug, heavy or weighted blanket, or a dog sitting on their lap can all help send this message to the brain. Think about tiny humans and how they want to be held frequently and tend to calm down once swaddled. 

Talk to your child about something that they love or something that will make them laugh. Their brain is swirling with negative thoughts right now and feelings of panic and dread. Help interrupt that vicious cycle by putting different thoughts in your child’s head about something totally unrelated. If you’ve got some great dad jokes, this could be a great time to bust them out. Or, if you know they’d love to tell you more about how Hulk is the best superhero, invite that conversation now. 

Movement is incredibly good for the body and brain for so many reasons. Taking a walk while feeling panicky can help release chemicals in the brain, such as dopamine and endorphins, which literally help you feel better. The fresh air can help cool off, and a change in scenery can help your child reset.  

Sometimes people want to process what makes them panic, and some don’t want to talk about it. Try not to assume, and instead ask them. See if they want to just vent or if they want solutions if age-appropriate. Allow them to control the conversation by determining where the conversation goes.  

Anxiety and feelings of panic are exhausting feelings and truly wear out the brain and body. Please remind your child that they are safe and that they are okay. And, remind yourself the same. You and your kiddo are in this together. You can do this! 

Navigating your child’s mental and behavioral health can be difficult. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, or maybe join a support group to talk with others experiencing similar situations.

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**

Self Care and Support Groups

Your time is incredibly limited already. You put all of the free time you do have into your kids. And finding time for yourself, to focus on yourself, is just hard. I get it, I do. But I want to let you know that you deserve space for you. You are allowed to take time to process all that you are going through and to release the burdens you are carrying, no matter how big or small.

Time is something you should spend on yourself too, because if we can’t take care of ourselves, then what? We know that we can’t pour from an empty cup, put an oxygen mask on another unless we do our own first, or give what we don’t have. In other words, we have to take care of ourselves if we are to truly be there to take care of the kiddos in our lives, do a good job at work, and be a good human to others.  

Spend Time on YOU

So, what if you spent two hours a month to focus on you? To talk about your experience as a parent? To share your frustrations and exhaustions and confusions with someone who gets it? 

A support group for foster/adoptive/kinship families could be the perfect way to do that. Support groups help connect you with other parents also going through similar challenges. They also give you a chance to learn from others and can provide space to talk openly and honestly. 

MayoClinic shares some of the benefits of support groups, such as feelings less lonely, reducing feelings of depression, and gaining a sense of empowerment. Plus, you can increase your understanding of adoption/kinship/foster parent emotions, legal processes, and more to help you stay motivated throughout your caregiver journey.  But most importantly, joining a support group can help you cope.  

CMFCAA Support Groups for Foster/Adoptive/Kinship Families

That is why the CMFCAA Advocacy Team is starting support groups for parents/caregivers of foster/adoptive/kinship kiddos. We want to give you a scheduled, designated space to talk about your experiences as a parent, guilt free. A space where you can learn that what you are feeling is not only normal, but also figure-outable. Together with other parents, you can start to feel validated for your frustrations, grief, rejection, loss of control, and your new identity with this new family dynamic. 

More specifically, we want to talk about “The Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency,” a concept created by Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon that covers the waves of emotions that come with being a foster/adoption/kinship family. Together, we will all work through each core issue and find ways to help us move forward feeling empowered in our parenting skills and connected to others in the community.  

Think about it…. two hours a month to focus on you and your own emotions. A chance to release all of the stress you are holding. And an opportunity to learn new ways to cope and move forward while surrounded by others who are going through the same thing. Are you up for it?  

Give us a call or email us to get involved in our support groups now!

**This is not to be considered professional advice. Please seek help with a professional licensed counselor or social worker to find what works best for you and your family.**